Overcoming Body Dysmorphia
Body Dysmorphia is a psychological disorder where a person excessively nitpicks things about themselves. This disorder can affect someone's daily life constantly, whether it's having the courage to go out with friends or deciding what clothes to wear.
I started to notice this disorder within me anytime I saw a picture of myself. I would look at pictures of me in family photos—I was ugly; I turned away. I would see myself with my friends— I was ugly; I turned away. I would see a portrait and videos of just me—I was ugly; I turned away. Anytime my family and friends laughed and smiled showing pictures of myself with them, I would turn my eyes to the corner of the photo and say, " Oh that's cute; I like it." When alone, I would cry and become depressed about how I looked and want to wallow into a ball. I never wanted to buy clothes because I saw no use; I would look ugly and fat in all of them.
With the social distancing and isolation that has come with the pandemic, I have been able to come to terms with my disorder and try to change for the better. I didn't want to feel so horrible anymore. I didn't want to feel unhealthy and sad about my appearance. I knew I could be beautiful in my own eyes— I just had to figure out how to get there.
With this revelation, I started to change. I created an exercise program to drop weight, I created healthier meals for myself, and I started to look at myself in the mirror and nitpick the good instead of the bad. Remembering how sad I was about myself and all the hurt I felt was redirected into fuel for myself to keep on improving. Slowly but surely, my confidence grew and grew and now I can confidently say that my BDD has gotten better! I still wince anytime I see photos and I still take forever to post a measly selfie on social media. But now, I am finally proud of myself and the progress I have made. I feel healthier. I am finally starting to feel happy.
To anyone experiencing problems with their image, you are not alone. All people have days where they feel like complete crap about themselves. When I told my friends about my disorder, they were completely surprised, which ended up surprising me. How did they not notice something I was struggling with so much internally? I hid it well.
The moral of my story is that the problem of self-hatred cannot go away overnight; you must work for it. The journey of self-worth and acceptance is harsh. I remember collapsing on my exercise mat wanting to cry because of how weak and fat I felt not being able to go on any longer. I grew from these moments and now I am stronger than ever. I am able to do things I never thought I would do. I took many pictures with my family, I was able to go on strenuous hikes with friends, and I finally felt beautiful.
My self-discovering journey has just started and I have accomplished so much. If you have the drive and motivation, I know you can accomplish and improve yourself as well. Talk to others about your struggles. I want you to remember that we never chose to have the looks we have, but the things that make us different make us beautiful and special. Thank you for reading this and I hope others will take my story as inspiration to push them forward into their own journey of love and happiness.