Letting the Negative Slip
I am a woman with countless imperfections. I’ve struggled with these imperfections since I was 9—letting these flaws rule my life. As a girl, it was difficult looking in a mirror; I didn’t want to see clusters of bright red pustules, thick thighs, or small eyes. It didn’t feel great when family members would only comment on my physicality. They’d ignore my accomplishments, instead of grumbling about how men didn’t like thick thighs, and how tan, warped skin “turned guys off.” Nor did it feel great when friends would essentially talk to my acne, instead of talking to me. When I was alone, I often listed out features I didn’t like, replacing each “bad” feature with a more favorable feature. I imagined clear skin, thin legs, big eyes, thin hair… It didn’t feel much better either. I emphasized features I didn’t like, thus exacerbating my self-hatred. It wasn’t really easy coming to terms with my body image.
I hated nearly every aspect of myself and blamed it on genetics, stupid California weather, Chinese food, crappy meds, my infernal mother… It was incredibly tiring but as I became older, my skin improved. I was on a strong medication my doctor guaranteed would work. I clung to that hope and eventually, my skin did become clear. A couple of months after I ended my treatment, pink spots began to reappear. I was crushed--I had truly been happy, confident, and at terms with my body image. As my skin continued to worsen, my self-esteem spiraled downward, and I was, yet again, overly inclined in avoiding mirrors, picture ops, and selfies. I cursed my damned Asian genes, blaming my imperfections on everything but myself.
It took some time, but eventually, my skin stabilized. It wasn’t clear, but it was better. In time, I came to terms with my skin and body. It took six years, but I believe I have truly begun to appreciate my body image. Instead of focusing on the negative attributes of acne and thick thighs with their corresponding social stigma, I focused on the positive. So what if I had acne? It was barely noticeable. So what if I had thick thighs? I could run faster than most boys! So what if my nose is big? Having more oxygen circulating in your body is good! While focusing on the positive didn’t completely eliminate my somewhat negative perception of my body and skin, I came to focus less on my acne and physicality, and more on the parts of my body I did like. I felt so much more comfortable in my own skin, and didn’t let my self-esteem get in the way of the happiness I desired. Today, I feel better. While I know that I am still holding on to some negative attributes, I can feel that rope slipping. I know that I will soon let go and open my eyes to greater things.